| When you are deleting spam messages in gmail because it feels so satisfying: |
[Fri, Dec. 5th - 11am] |
Sometimes, when I need to do something to calm down, I will check my spam folder for false positives.
My first email from my friend Anne, six years ago when we re-caught-up after college, went to spam and I never woulda noticed if I didn't have this occasional habit, so. Also, new developments in spam are totally hilarious and fascinating to me.
Every time I've done this, I click "Select: All" & "Delete Forever" a few times in succession, because there are no false positives aside from Anne. Across the top of the screen it says something like "1 - 25 of 3611".
But it alternates between showing 25 or 20 messages per screenfull.
1 - 25 of 3587
1 - 20 of 3562
1 - 25 of 3542
1 - 20 of 3517
WHY? THIS IS THE FOUNT OF MY MADNESS.
If you leave the spam box, it remembers the amount of messages it was showing you. However, if you click "Older >>" to view more messages, it skips you to "26-50 of 3517". It will always show you 25 message chunks when you page forward, even if you were only looking at 20, as if you were looking at 25. Skipping 5 potentially excellent spam messages! Why?! If you page forward in *any* mailbox & return to the front page of your spam box, it reverts to showing you 25 messages.
I could go on. If you have any further questions on the details of this quirk, just ask. Unfortunately my curiosity (WHY?!?!) is a little hard to satisfy on this subject, because googling "gmail 20 25" obviously isn't going to get me very far, and I am not sure whether anyone else on the planet gives a flying eff.
My best guess is that it is part of some brilliant user-interface coup, or it is for defeating robots. |
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| There is this expensive buffet near work |
[Mon, Nov. 3rd - 12pm] |
There is this expensive buffet near work called "Julie's Kitchen" that is where I get my Daily Recommended Intake of brussel sprouts. You can also get beef, salmon, & various sushi rolls at the same per-pound rate, like $8 or $9. So they are making a fortune off me.
Unless I guess the weight of my meal to the 100th of a pound. In that case it is free.
I have done this successfully the past three times I've gone there. They don't even bother to ring you up at the register when you win. They just give you a high five. Best thing ever. It means that no one can talk to me for the rest of the day because I think I'm such a goddamned genius. |
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| no idea |
[Thu, Jul. 24th - 2pm] |
Ben:
I think that I am going to start telling people that I'm not wearing my contacts, and that is why I don't recognize them.
When do you think that will wear thin?
"I can't see good."
Sent at 2:17 PM on Thursday
Besha:
bad memory for faces is what i usually say
which has the advantage of being true
although not as true as i am usually drunk and also i don't care
Ben:
Yeah.
This friend of my brother's asked me if I recognized her at a party.
Actually, she said, "Do you remember my name?"
Which is fucking rude.
IMHO.
I said, "No, but I remember your tattoo."
Which is this giant outline of california up her torso.
She then introduced me to her boyfriend.
Caroline.
She's pretty cool. Always acts like I'm this big asshole. No idea why.
Sent at 2:22 PM on Thursday |
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| Looking for a fight in the iPhone line. |
[Thu, Jul. 17th - 11am] |
Everyone in line for the iPhone is aware that they are doing something silly in public that they will be ridiculed for. I had decided to lean into the silly behavior, a little, so I brought a Rubik's cube and a D&D book to pass the time. Tourists took photos of us, grimaced, shook their heads, and rolled their eyes. Two tour buses passed by us and made jokes at our expense via PA.
At some point on Sunday morning, I noticed this wariness on the faces of the folks in line and our general oppositional demeanor. It was a little different on Friday morning, because of the camaraderie involved in getting up at 5am. By Sunday, there was a lot of meanspiritedness around the iPhone.
Right when I decided I needed to relax and stop frowning, this 40-something dude in relaxed fit everything walked down the sidewalk and muttered.
"Phone."
shamble shamble
"Dummies."
shamble shamble
"Need no phone."
Then he stepped in front of traffic. Fortunately all the drivers were on the ball. |
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| I was buying condoms and toothbrushes at Walgreens |
[Thu, Apr. 10th - 3pm] |
Because I was low on both. I cruised by the condom section, and then past, because there was this lost looking girl cautiously examining the packaging. So I took my time grabbing a bunch of toothbrushes and returned.
The girl teleported to the other side of the aisle and cautiously examined whatever was there, as if she had no interest in condoms whatsoever. I grabbed two small boxes of my favorite kind (they were out of large boxes) and got out of her way ASAP. In search of batteries. I had to look around, so I saw her again a minute later, nervously grabbing the last small box of my brand, and beginning to read the packaging.
And later, when I realized that the batteries were all in the front of the store, I saw that she was way in the front of the line, having made her decision very quickly after seeing condom endorsement by a real live boy.
Adorablest drugstore interaction ever. |
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| The two times I offended someone so quickly and stupidly that they walked away. |
[Mon, Mar. 31st - 12pm] |
In college, senior year or something, I ran into this girl Carrie that lived on my freshman hall. It was in the photo lab, which was an unexpected place for either of us to see the other. She seemed really happy to see me. I said, "Oh. Hi Carrie. I was really sorry to hear about all that bullshit with your sorority."
Her face dropped, and she walked past me. Her sorority had kicked her & some friends because they broke some stupid rule and made the sorority look gauche or something. I am assuming that she didn't really feel like talking about that anymore. It was like campus-wide bullshit.
The other time was in Santa Cruz. I was visiting w/ Rosie and going to a party with all her former roommates, whom I adored. One of them had cut her hair short. I said she looked like a character in "Dykes To Watch Out For", a great indie comic strip. She turned around and walked away. |
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| I'm not a hypochondriac. I'm a complainer. |
[Sat, Mar. 22nd - 10am] |
On Monday, my boss sent our department a long, thoughtful email describing his recent heart trouble. He'll be fine. I experienced a sympathetic heart attack. At 4pm, my shoulder started hurting a little. More like what I would imagine a "torn rotator cuff" would feel like than a heart attack, but what if? I mean... if I really did have a heart attack on the same day as I heard about my boss, I'd never believe it, right? I knew that the best explanation was that I was being absurd, but I did feel that the second runner up explanation was that I was dying.
Thursday my right foot started hurting. Goddamn dress shoes.
Yesterday, standing in the crowd at Cafe du Nord, I wrote in my paper journal: "My foot is killing me. I hope this is not of historical importance."
I have a bunch of great new ideas for joke Craigslist adverts, by the way. In the meantime, though, this one is straight up:
I caught your eye while The Black Kites were playing, and was considering how best to flirt with you in the crowd for the rest of the evening.
Then you walked right towards me, smiling, and past me because I was standing in front of the door to back stage. So I thought, "Oh. Great. She works here. I haven't a prayer."
I was very surprised to see you get on stage later and be raw and beautiful and sound the way you do.
I feel like I'm fifteen or something. Dammit. (Edit: A followup:Subject: singer of loquatDate: March 22, 2008 5:57:50 PM PDTis married.... move along
--
Fortunately now I can just tell myself that it would have worked out if she wasn't already married.) |
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| I know what boys like. Boys like. Boys like. Boys just exactly like me. |
[Fri, Aug. 31st - 2pm] |
ID at dinnerI got a message yesterday on OKC from a pretty girl that I'd messaged a few times. She's never been into me or nothin, but she said she thought she'd just seen me in her restaurant.
She had. I was there w/ parents.ID in the hoodA week ago, I quickmatched a girl. She chatted at me and said she'd seen me in real life, in the mission. I asked, "So, when you saw me, did you think omg, hottay?" She said, "No, I thought 'There's that gaptoothed bearded guy from OKC and Nerve.com and everywhere else."ID on bikeA few weeks ago, I was stopped at a stoplight on my way to work, and this guy says, "Ben?" I say, "Uh, yes?"
"It's me, Jesse"
"OH! Hey!"
"You know, without my mustache."
"Oh, yeah, totally. Uh, huh. How do we know each other?"
"The internets, you know. IILWY and whatever. You're friends with Gwen and you went out on a date with Kim."
"Kim? Oh, right. She didn't feel a romantic connection."
This is totally weird and new and kindof cool to me. |
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| MF Doom Sucks |
[Thu, Aug. 16th - 1am] |
Don't watch MF Doom live. Just don't. He has a cool mask, which makes it so that he doesn't even have to lip synch. His stage performance is zero.
The only person who's mic was on was the world's most irritating hype man. Yarrgh.
His music is still fantastic. Just let him do it in the studio without anyone watching at all. |
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| Dilemma |
[Sun, Jul. 22nd - 4pm] |
So, my brother got the hookup to go to the smashing pumpkins tonight @ the Fillmore. Free.
And JWZ just pointed at The Prids playing Hemlock Tavern for $7.
Hemlock Tavern would let me bring the big guns. The Fillmore doesn't allow photography because they are typical control freak hippies.
I already know what the punkins sound like, although I've never seen them live. I'm just not sure I need to.
The Prids would be totally new to me & they sound rad.
Hmm. I think I'm obligated to Larkin despite preferring the smaller show.
AND NOW YOU KNOW. |
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| I met Boots Riley. |
[Wed, Jun. 20th - 9am] |
He came to our book club meeting. He's really nice. |
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| They're fancy. |
[Fri, Mar. 9th - 11am] |
Nice shoes.
Nice shoes.
I said nice shoes. They're fancy.
You look like my father.
I always respect my poppa.
I see a lot of people who look like my poppa.
He's dead.
He died in 1999.
They put him on a... a... resuscitator?
He's somewhere, right?
Dude was Asian American, in his 40s, talking to a 60 something Asian guy who didn't seem to understand him.
Dude then continued to stare sideways, at me, for about a minute 'till I got off the bus. Shoulda taken a picture. |
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| that is that and this is this |
[Sun, Feb. 18th - 11am] |
These are pretty pictures I took with my new Fuji Natura S compact 35mm film camera. It has a 24mm fixed focal length lens with a maximum aperture of f/1.9, and as far as I know it's the smallest camera that's ever been made with an aperture that big. When it's off, the lens retracts almost against the film.
It comes with one roll of Fuji Natura film, which is 1600 ISO. Your first hit is free. When you put film 1600 speed or faster in the Fuji Natura S, it goes into "NP mode", which is the feature that people buy this camera for. It attempts to overexpose by two stops (exposure as if you had 400 ISO film), limits the shutter to 1/45th of a second, and disables the flash.
I've also shot a roll of Kodak Portra 800, which I'll get back next weekend. I had to scrape off the little code on the side of the film roll in order to trick the camera into thinking it's 1600 speed, to engage NP mode. It'll only be overexposed by one stop, and if I don't like it as much I'm going to have to start ordering Fuji Natura film on eBay from Japan. But Portra 800 is pretty for its own reasons. We shall see. |
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| The 14 bus on SF Muni Metro. |
[Wed, Sep. 27th - 8pm] |
poor but relaxed skinny guy: Excuse me, do you know if this bus goes to 26th st?
me: On mission? Yeah, this bus goes to 26th and mission.
poor guy: This bus goes to 26th st? I'm going to St. Luke's hospital
me: Oh, I don't know where St. Luke's is, but this bus goes to 26th & mission.
poor guy: Great. Thanks, man. Could you spare some change? I'm going to the emergency room, so, I'm just trying to get something to eat. just some chips or something.
me: No, I'm sorry. I... I can't.
poor guy: Ok. I just want to get some chips or something.
me: Yeah, no. I'm sorry.
poor guy: It's ok. Thanks anyway. I'm just glad I could get on the bus for free, you know.
me: Yeah. What are you going to the emergency room for? I mean, if you don't mind me asking.
poor guy: For my back.
me: Oh, I'm sorry. I hope they get that... uh... straightened right out. So to speak.
poor guy: Yeah. They'll do something. Give me a shot. Watch some TV. Just to pass the time, you know.
me: Right. Yeah.
poor guy: Excuse me, I was wondering if you could spare some change for me. I'm going to the emergency room, and I just want some chips or something.
loopy not-passing trans lady: (mumbling) Oh, I don't think so. Oh, I don't know.
poor guy: I was just trying to get some chips, or something.
loopy lady: I mean, how do I know if you need it more than I do? I don't. Maybe you do, maybe you don't. So...
poor guy: Right.
(not sure I remember this right) billboard: 92.7 LO MÁS RECUERDOS
loopy old boyfriend guy: ... low MASSS rayc ... low MASSS rake ...
loopy lady: ... low MASSS ... low MASSS raycuerdowz... low masss... The mass records?
me: The most memories.
loopy lady: Hmmm?
me: I think it's "The most memories". Like, nostalgia.
loopy lady: Oh! Like, records of your mind?
me: I think so, yeah.
loopy lady: Oh. Well.
loopy lady: Well, since he helped us, we'll help you. Since he helped us, we'll help you. See, now here you go. (Hands dude one dollar) Now you, you have to help the next person, right? And then they...
poor guy: Right. You saw that movie too?
loopy lady: What? No. No, I've been doing this before any movie. |
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| (no subject) |
[Wed, Jun. 7th - 9am] |
I was walking past the northwest corner at 24th & mission on my way to BART this morning, and heard someone spill some beer. I could smell it. It wasn't strange, because there are some benches & cement things to sit on right around there, and there's people drinking there all day every day.
Then I heard someone shout a little, so I turned around to see a guy beginning to wrap his arm in a rag. His forearm had a three inch diameter hole in it, deep enough that it looked like I was staring down an artery, which he had just rinsed out with a large amount of his 24oz beer. There wasn’t any blood involved, which is considerably more upsetting for me. I think he was shouting at someone who’d said something to him about his arm. Ugh. |
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| entryscan; aluminium foil hats |
[Fri, Feb. 24th - 4pm] |
Flying out of SFO, they asked me to step through this thing:
So I did. And I near to pissed myself. I am somewhat ashamed to say that I was jittery and upset for the next 30 minutes or so. It was dehumanizing, and immediately occured to me that someone with past trauma could be much more upset by the experience. I was skeptical (/paranoid) about whether the TSA employees had been fully informed about its function, which they said was to blow a little air on you and sample it. The thick walls make it look like it could contain x-ray machinery and shielding.
This guy engaged me with some extremely self-conscious "aggressive hospitality" when I took a few pictures:
Today I googled "entryscan", but it's mostly industry stuff for the first page. Plus Popular Science talking about how cool it is. GE has A list of supplies you may purchase for your EntryScan, and they all do appear to relate to explosive and narcotics detection. I'm still not convinced that they aren't xraying or something, but whatever.
You can view a photograph of their "Dopant, Explosive" product. Dunno what they use it for:
Maybe it's used to treat whatever air they collect for sampling. Maybe it's how they produce the air blasts, as according to Wikipedia, dichloromethane can be used as an aerosol spray propellant. Also according to Wikipedia, it's carcinogenic:Methylene chloride is the least toxic of the simple chlorohydrocarbons, but it is not without its health risks. Chronic exposure to methylene chloride may be carcinogenic, as it has been linked to cancer of the lungs, liver, and pancreas in laboratory animals. It is a mutagen and teratogen, causing birth defects if women are exposed to it during pregnancy. Prolonged skin contact can result in the methylene chloride dissolving some of the fatty tissues in skin, resulting in skin irritation or chemical burns.
In many countries, products containing methylene chloride must carry labels warning of its health risks. However, it is often mistaken for paint thinner which can be applied freely to the skin. Note "chronic exposure". Anyway I'm not going near one of those things again. I will avoid flying out of SFO, and wherever fly out of, I will provide an extra six hours in case I need to explain myself to security. I can't begin to explain how embarrassed I will be. |
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| Hipster ultraviolence |
[Sat, Dec. 3rd - 3pm] |
Two weeks ago, Whitney & I were returning with beer for everyone at Steve & Erin's place. As we approached Elizabeth & Church on the way back, we saw a group of about six people walking slowly down the alley. Men and women. They were wearing various outfits, all black. Tight black jeans/dockers/slacks. The ones that didn't have black bangs jutting down out of their black hoodies had black bandannas, black beanies, or black ball caps. They struck me as small. None of them were tall, and most of them were skinny. Everyone I noticed was white. I didn't see any of them very well.
There was a dark sedan driving parallel to them in the alley, slowly, with someone in the passenger seat & a window rolled down.
This struck me as totally hilarious, so I stopped and said, "What the hell are you guys doing?"
Someone in the back quietly said, "Well, go on." And they all broke into a run. I then realized that there were perhaps 10 other similarly dressed people behind them. They all ran past us and around the corner towards 24th, spreading out over Church street. I think, all told, there were about 20 of them. Some came from another direction, perhaps a parking lot.
While they were streaming out, a second dark car approached on Church from 24th St., and the driver said something quietly out her window to the crowd, although no one seemed to pay her any attention. She appeared to give up on relaying her message and drove on. All of the people in the vehicles were also wearing dark clothes, although they were somewhat less co-ordinated looking.
Felt like something out of Vineland.
A week later, Whitney informed me that the group had broken several windows in the bank on the corner. "Sterling Bank & Trust".
So... WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY DOING? Stealing shit? Vandalism for the fun of it? Punishing the bank for unethical practices? All of these things would be, I think, more easily served by a team of one or two. At the time I thought it was some kind of viral marketing thing, but I didn't see any video cameras. And then I heard about broken windows and police involvement.
Ugh. Weird to think that we live in this kind of world. I saw a crowd of people doing violence, and my first guess was that it was some Axe deodorant version of the Panther Moderns.
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| ben and matt |
[Thu, Dec. 1st - 9am] |
Matt and Ben are visually identical names. M and B are voiced bilabial consonants. The same except M is nasalized. T and N are alveolar consonants. The same except N is voiced and nasalized. Vowels are mostly invisible to bad lip readers.
Somewhere noisy like a party, when I say my name is "Ben", people read my lips, and guess the much more common name every single time. So it's way more effective for me to cover my mouth and shout. And then they can't read my lips, and they always get it right. |
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